That truly is a terrible place to be I'm so sorry. I guess. I mean, this probably won't help right now but this kind of reminds me of the Chinese finger trap. You're struggling against your depression so hard and you feel like you aren't moving forward. I think, at times like this the best thing you can do for yourself is do your best to relax--which is much harder than imagined haha. The answers will come to you but if you try to force it, you'll only stress out more. Zinco is right about the whole permission to be how you are right now. Which is true because it's only temporary. Focus on what you can do for now and get lots of rest. There will always be hope as long as you're here

Stay strong!