That is ever so true about the monkey. Just when you think he is gone he comes running back on the scene and with a vengeance. I have been clean since 11/21/2005 and I can go long periods about every even thinking about my heroin. When I finally decided to quit and give it my all, I travelled many states away and went to a long term rehab facility which was the best thing I could have done for myself. I tried staying in town and did the 30 day inpatient rehab a total of seven times and the longest I stayed clean after leaving was 2 whole weeks. I left for long term and never looked back and when I was done I didn't go back. Don't get me wrong I wanted to very badly, but luckily my parents stuck to their guns and said no that there wasn't anything for me there and let me just say where I am from it is easier to get heroin then almost any other drug. Lets jump forward to where I am now. I have two wonderful children whom I love with all of my heart and prior to the birth of my daughter I had never loved anything more than heroin. When I looked into her eyes that day something change in mean and I don't really have the words to describe it, to come close to doing it justice. My life was hard due to all my previous bad choices but the children made all that ok and I was actually happy which is something I had never really been before. I had heard about it but never thought that i myself would ever experience what it was to be happy. I still thank God on the daily for not letting me die those 4 times I had tried so very hard to do so. I thought to myself He must have a purpose for me and maybe I am meant to do something good and to be useful for a change instead of a user which I had been for so so long.
My poor physical body has been through a lot of damage and I have quite a few things wrong with me and as time passes these things keep getting worse and worse. The pain especially has gotten worse and worse. I have maxed myself out on the epidurals and the such so finally per doctors recommendation I moved to medication management and that worked for many years. I am currently at a point that it isn't really working anymore. Even with the meds I have to walk with a cane and when its really bad a walker. I occasionally lose the use of one of my legs all together which means a trip to the hospital for a few days. Being a single mom of two kids, trips to the hospital are extremely difficult. After about 8 years my parents decided to believe that I really am doing my best and trying to do whatever is necessary to give my children every possible opportunity for them to succeed and they offered me their help for which I will be eternally grateful. So I packed us all up and moved back to the place I had left 8 years before because I needed help. My parents knew that I needed multiple operations and some replacement parts to get myself back to being operational. Things have not worked out liked we all had hoped. My kids have some special needs for which until my parents experienced for themselves had always thought, I suppose, that I was exaggerating. So now that we are here they don't really want or maybe are not able to watch my children alone. So now we have been here over a year and still with no end in sight. None of us really want to live this way but where I am living it is quite expensive and disability for 3 people does not go very far and I have no idea what I am going to do. I am on the waiting lists for housing with an approximate wait time of 3-5 years and my health is steadily deteriorating.
I have to admit for the first time in a very very long time I have thought about how nice it would be to just escape all this even for just a brief time. The pain is becoming more and more overwhelming I am having thoughts like when I am driving about how easy it would be to just cross over into incoming traffic when a tractor trailer is coming, or just driving off a bridge.
You know the weird thing is I am the one people come to for advice and I am pretty damn good at making them feel better and getting them a plan in the works to solve whatever their problem may be but I just can't seem to do that for myself. It is a god thing I have my children because they are my reason for breathing and for dragging my pain riddled body out of bed every morning. I can say with complete certainty that if I didn't have children I would be dead. I could never endure all this pain and suffering for any other reason.
Thanks for listening...