Quote:
Originally Posted by Yearning0723
I'm just feeling so lonely and hopeless with all of this...I wish current T would just be gentle with me, but I don't think she can be, and I don't know if anyone can be, and even if they were, I wouldn't be able to accept it, and they might leave...
I know this is all the stuff you work on in therapy to begin with, but it's a really cruel joke that the only thing you can do to get better might actually make you worse, in the short run at least.
I was actually doing quite well before I started seeing current T, and the only reason I started seeing her was because I thought I was more stable and so ready to do the work to heal from past trauma. And things were fine with current T for the first five months or so, but now I don't know whether I'm attached to her or what's going on, because I just want her to reassure me and comfort me and tell me I'm not actually a bad client/person, even though her actions sort of suggest that I am, or at least that she doesn't care either way.
I was thinking today about whether she likes me, hates me, etc. and what I came up with is neither; she's indifferent towards me, and that hurts. And I don't know if that's reality or that's the way I'm interpreting it, and that's the hardest part, because she's not going to say, "Yearning, of course I like you and of course I care about you!" She might throw out her generic, "I care about all of my clients," but that's the best I'm going to get.
It hurts. And I feel guilty that it hurts so much.
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We know how to hurt, how to feel bad, and beat ourselves up. We've had many years of practice, because of Bad role modeling. We've had little experience as to what it's like to feel good. We don't trust it; it feels foreign; it feels down right YUCKY. You'll [therapist] take it away.
I use to tape all my sessions, and now am getting rid of most. On one, I said to my therapist as she was holding me, "This feels too good." She asked me what I meant, and I explained to her that it — the good — would be taken away from me; I don't deserve it; I don't want it. And don't you know it, I took it away from myself because those old message, I don't deserve it; i'll do something to mess it up, etc. then I fought her for the next hour of my session.
EFT(Sue Johnson) says to all the therapist she trains that they need to be able to touch their clients if they need/want it. EFT is based on John Bowby's teachings.
But, if you've decided to stay with your therapist, I think that is a fine decision for you.