Again too depressed. Stuck working and hate people around me. I hate being at work now and hate being a manager. That means I have to be nice to people and act differently than I feel. It also means it looks bad if I take days off because I'm too depressed for work.

I should try to get a job at a lower salary, but I'm resentful of my family because I am the only one working and we can barely make ends meet as it is. I can't afford to drop my salary at all. We live in a small 2 bedroom with 2 kids and my youngest daughter doesn't even get her own room. She sleeps with my wife while I sleep on the couch. She's 6 now, and it seems wrong to me, but hell that's our life. My kids are growing up with less than what I had when I was their age.

I hate life and feel like the feelings won't end. I don't think I can work anymore anywhere, but can't afford to do anything. I sometimes wish my wife would take the kids away and leave me so I could stop being in their way. Maybe then I could act on the thoughts I have, but I can't now and am repulsed by them. I can't go to the hospital because again I'm the one making the money and it would put me in a bad position as a manager to be out.

there's nothing to say to me or do. I don't know why I'm bothering to post other than the fact that I'm feeling horrible and want to express it somewhere. I'm going to break down at work and show how depressed I am even though I'm trying not to. I can't even look forward to just getting through the day because the day is full of so much that I can't handle.

Yes I see a therapist, and yes I have a psychiatrist and I'm even getting testosterone treatment due to my hormonal imbalances. It's my fault I can't do this because I can't control my mind and am not strong willed enough to use the skills I know. I can't keep in the moment and I can't just talk to people to connect with them to get out of my feelings. I'm screwed up and wish someone would tell me to write my life off. I wish I could just be confirmed as useless so I could prove it to others and then know I am right about my feelings of myself.