Hello guys,
It has been almost 15 days since I said my good bye and I have been trying to keep my promise intact. I thought like I could alienate myself from the whole of internet and live like a hermit, without any distraction.
But I was wrong!!
Emotions came back much stronger, much suicidal thoughts and sadness and I felt like I could not bear it and If I could not post something here, I felt like I would be doomed.
So I am here…
Before saying that let me speak something about my condition too...
I live in a village In India, a very remote, distant place. Here most of the people make their living by farming or other small jobs. I am from an old aristocratic family here, as you would know the system followed by Indian Hindu people in interior India. I love my village because it is very very beautiful. My house is on a hill, so I could see vast tracts of paddy fields, where the light would play hide and seek with the sun. everything is fine, as we are blessed by nature, I could see squirrels, peacocks dancing on evenings, foxes moaning at nights, mysterious owls everything suits a mystery film ..
But what bothers me is my loneliness. There is nobody to talk with me. Not even a single human being. I have my brother, mom and dad staying with me but sometimes I won’t be having much to speak with them.
Or it might be because I was always different. I was always curious about other cultures, people or as a whole, what is going on in other parts of the world. Unfortunately, this is not a movie, where a mentor would come and assist me to my path. Nobody is there even to mentor me.
I got the Internet connection only in 2008, and it was only in 2005 I had seen a mobile phone. This clearly speaks about my privations. As I have said in many posts here, I have taught the language of English by myself, through its literature. I know it is not good though I have been trying to express myself better through that.
As you would know, I am a loner. Not a loner you would know. I might have been a loner by my own choice. I probably need to break off from my own traditions, to experiment, to explore to reach somewhere but I am getting confused day by day. I am a post-graduate, still I am jobless.
My biggest aim is to pass a prestigious exam here in India which would give me that essential passport to my destiny. But I am studying alone, Totally cocooned in my room. I know I could have gone somewhere but my previous experience with other people makes me afraid. I was in a big Indian Metropolis before and I was abused like anything because of my rusticity and naivety.
I don’t know I just want to pass this exam. I just want to escape from my miseries, so sometimes I would use the Internet. I don’t have any single friend so I tried everything here. Numerous dating websites, friendship websites, all ended up in disasters. I have this big social anxiety so I fail always. Finding a therapist will be so difficult here, as my own brother is disabled and my dad and mom are not that much educated. Our extended family treats him as ‘mentally ill’ so I am afraid to broach this matter to my immediate family. I am afraid they would see me as an insane person and I cannot see them sad.
This website is the only place where I feel some happiness. It makes me feel like I am not alone. Still finding myself totally confused I was forced to say goodbye on February 24 night from here, but I didn’t know what would have been the consequences.
As JD had said on that post, I cut off my only supporting system. It became severe day by day. I had gone wild. Thoughts began to attack me, and I became depressed day by day. I started random chatting sites but I was soon felt depressed more, as nobody could help me.
So here again, I stands, this eternal loner, in front of you. I have 6 months left for my exam and I really want to study.
But I can’t focus. No mentor, no friend, nothing. Whenever I would start studying thoughts would attack me. My mean relatives, friends who abused me, people who hate me, and I would find myself alone and helpless I would open the internet and start to browse something. Then days would go like this without any meaning. I know it is procrastination but whenever I would try to stand up I feel so afraid, about everything.
I tried to make friends in the past but they used me, I feel. I tried to be in a relationship, but those people also used me for their own needs or fantasies. My dad’s extended family views me as a worthless imbecile, who hasn’t made a single penny. They won’t talk to me at social gatherings, and if they do, it would be verbal abuse or cruel jokes.
I have a brother who needs attention and care, but during my teens, my dad, being an alcoholic used to beat me and abuse me. He used to destroy my self esteem during those days and I once tried to commit suicide too. He quit drinking now and now we are friendly. But I don’t know still I hate him for treating me like that when I needed his love.
I wanted to prove myself, prove my existence but I don’t know how. I feel like I am just worthless, as I am no teen at all, I am reaching 27 and haven’t achieved anything significant yet .
Sometimes I would think about death too but thoughts about my family keeps me alive.
I need your prayers and I cannot go from here