I have read some articles about the scapegoat child.my T used the term scapegoat also in my session yesterday . I don't know what to think about my session yesterday .I think that boot camp T was present . It seemed so cold, hard, uncaring, and very painful. a few things she said keep haunting me. that I need to stop being my families scapegoat and that I am doing my son harm by allowing him to see me being treated as such by my family. I was feeling so horrible and hearing this seem to just put me over the edge .I couldn't understand what she wanted from me. I couldn't understand her at all. it seemed to me that she was acting the same as my farther . I felt so much anger from her. I have no idea if it was her or if it was all just manufactured in my head. I could no longer speak .I felt any words from me were only going to back me up against the wall. send me into a deeper mess then I was already in.

my T wants me to stand up to my farther . she said I need to stop absorbing all his bull s h I t like a sponge. that it is poison to me. that I need to just tell him to shut up. I felt so ashamed for not being able to do this. it felt like she was validating everything I know about myself. I so want her to show me how not to be the way she said I am. but I have no idea how . this has always been my roll in this family from the moment I was born. heck the mother got pregnant with me in hopes that it would make things better between my farther and her. when that backfired she tried to get an abortion. this has been my roll. it is what I know. it is second nature I do it well. I have always been expendable just so long as the desired outcome is possible. it is just how it is. I just don't know how to be any other way when it comes to my family and people I know.

being this way has its issues and I know this . people tend to hate me. think I am weak ,useless, not worth the time of day, easily walked over. or the opposite affect. they get angry , end up wanting to shake the crap out of me. it is just how it is .I understand this and I think this is how my T was reacting yesterday. it was scary and hurtful. but I am at least allowing her to see me for who I truly am. I would change my behavior if I had any idea how to and still have some sense of who I am. but I think some of her last words to me were you need to figure it out. not we need to or anything like that . I feel so alone and like a failure . drowning in self pity. got I even want to shake the crap out of myself.