I'd help him out in a heartbeat if I could, but I understand boundaries and dual relationships and all that stuff. I guess I sort of try to pay it forward, or pay it back by trying to really work hard on stuff on take on board what we're discussing and learning in therapy. I figure my making progress and doing better is a gift in itself, especially because I figure it must make my Pdoc feel good to know he's doing a good job and getting somewhere with me, especially with my case being a complicated one.

I do try to pay stuff forward as well by just being supportive to friends who are going through similar stuff with MH issues and trying to make myself available to them if they need me. I guess I just sort of expect that I should be making this huge grand gesture of gratitude towards my Pdoc because I'm not used to this level of someone going out of their way to really help me.

I'm a lot better than I used to be, but I do struggle with self esteem issues which I think does tie into the whole 'feeling undeserving' stuff. I know my Pdoc is trying to work on lifting my self esteem by telling me all the positives he sees in me, it's just still hard for me to accept that stuff is true though hence the feelings of being undeserving.

I might include some of this stuff in my next pre-session notes so Pdoc and I can talk about it more.