I come to you today because I am having trouble differentiating between the borderline, the normal and reality in general.

I'll start with some back story. I met this man many years ago while playing a game. We became friends and soon it became more. Initially this was something I fought as he is American and I am Australian but he was so persuasive and eventually I gave into my own desires and placed faith in our ability to make it work.

Unfortunately he soon became distant and moody and as a borderline I naturally responded by trying to force his affections. I would start arguments because I felt that he wasn't paying enough attention (And to be fair he himself admits that he changed from the person I had met. He says he was going through a tough time and also readily admits to taking that out on me) and I was insecure in his love for me.

Of course this all became too much with the arguments and the neediness and he decided we would be better off as friends. His initial reason was because his physical needs weren't being met although recently he has said it was because he couldn't be there for me when he knew I needed him.

Long story short two years later we were still friends (at least in his eyes. I still don't consider myself 'over' him.) and he was still less than a good friend. If I didn't message him we didn't talk because according to him "he doesn't message first." Having not spoken for several months due to my own refusal to begin a conversation I decided we were no longer capable of friendships and attempted to walk away only for him to write an apology promising to be different. And true to his word we began talking more regularly and he put a lot of effort into reassuring me that we were great friends and that he would never abandon me (his own words.)

Until now. He made a new friend, a lady friend, I became insanely jealous and we had an argument. I questioning his need for us to remain friends and his statement about why we broke up because after all as friends I was still as needy and he was still unable to be there for me. He being his new 'zen' self and explaining that he was over me and that nothing I could do would make any difference to him because he has gotten over his issues and learned to let everything go and I should too but that he still wanted to be friends.

I told him that I obviously couldn't get over him while he was still around and that friends wasn't an option.

We now haven't spoken in a week.

I think this is proving to be especially hard for me because for the longest time I have let myself be dependent on him as my only friend. I've cut most people from my life.

I'm not good at making friends. The pain people can cause scares me too much and I often feel unworthy of friendship or like I'm getting in the way of something a potential friend would rather be doing.

I feel like a terrible person for not being able to move on. For not being able to give him what he wanted and I hate myself for that. I'm mad at him for taking his own anger out on me in the past while now appearing to be so very stable. I feel like it's my fault that he was angry when we were together, like I broke him. I'm mad at him for insisting we remain friends when he knew I was struggling. I'm mad at him for appearing to brush everything that happened between us under the carpet like it never mattered.

Mostly I feel broken and un-whole. Like a part of me is missing. I'm guessing that's normal heart break speaking there but to think that so many others have been though this doesn't help. It makes it feel cheap. He was the first person in my life to really make me feel I could be loved and I thought it was something special. Now I know it was nothing.

Why was he so intent on remaining friends anyway? Was he hoping to cover over all the pain? Did he really in some way care? Was he simply out to terrorize me?

I don't know what I'm supposed to be feeling. I don't know what part of what I'm feeling is just the BPD.

I want to understand how he so easily moved on when I'm still stuck in a rut.