Quote:
Originally Posted by sophiesmom
It's just a minor vent. It's making me panic a little.
My parents live out of state, but visit three or four times a year. They have their own little house here.
My dad is pretty laid back. My mom APPEARS to be pretty laid back.
But as soon as they walk off that plane, I turn into a twelve year old again. She wants to know all of my business and questions and comments on everything.
They kind of know about my depression, but they don't really get it. They will be coming here soon and I'm frankly dreading it (causing massive guilt and anxiety). My mom's point of view is that she's on "vacation" and expects me to take her places and do holiday type things (we ran out of stuff to do about a year ago).
I can barely get out of bed, but she expects me to spend all day with them and go out to dinner with them every day. For two to three weeks at a time.
One time, she called my cell phone twice and my house phone twice. I didn't answer. So she drove over and rang the doorbell. I still didn't answer, I couldn't. The next day she asked where I was and told me that she looked in the garage window to see if there was a car there  (more guilt).
She's rather passive aggressive and says things like "it's okay...I don't mind....we just thought you might want to see your parents".
She calls and says "what are we going to do today". I make suggestions about things to do without me and she complains that "there's nothing to do here".
I understand that my parents are in their eighties and miss us and know that their days are numbered here. I feel really horrible about my behavior.
Thanks for reading my rant. I know no solution, but it feels good just telling someone else. |
Okay, I might be completely out of line here, so PLEASE IGNORE ME if I go too far.
I kind of want to slap some sense into your mother. She is an adult!! She can't entertain herself in an area that she is not only familiar with but has her own residence in?! And to top it off she puts a guilt trip on you for ...having your own life?!? If you need a day or two to yourself, then IT'S YOUR'S! End of.
Yes, you should probably set up some solid parameters in advance to their arrival, so you don't feel pressure in the moment (face-to-face). It's difficult, but you can be honest. If you don't want to go into detail, then don't. We all know your parents will love you regardless... and you can't really get rid of them no matter what you say.
Maybe you could say something like...
"I love you and have missed you. I want to spend time with you, but I haven't been feeling well. If we make plans or if we don't make plans, I might not be feeling up to it. But it's not because I don't want to see you. I just need some time to take care of myself."
Your mother is so used to using guilt on you, you could even turn it around on her... "Don't you want me at my best while we spend time together?" Or... "You wouldn't want me to make myself sick by going out with you when I just need the day to rest, would you?" (This is where a little smiley face with a halo sitting on devil horns would be helpful.)
Remember that it isn't disrespecting your parents, it's honoring YOURSELF and your health. There is no shame in taking ownership of your life. You don't owe explanations or excuses to anyone. This is what you need to take care of yourself. Whether or not they are your parents, they can either be part of the solution or part of the problem.
You are not only a wonderful daughter to put up with such behavior, but also, an extremely tolerate human being! Those back-handed comments would chip away at a healthy person's conscience, but to know that you suffer from depression and she still makes those manipulative comments... it's just HURTFUL.
Okay, I think I might have gone over board.
Just consider my rant to be the extreme end of the spectrum, and you know you can find the middle ground where it is most comfortable for you.
