i've been trying to post this but somehow i keep deleting it. maybe by accident or maybe not. i don't know. i was sexually abused for years. it started before i had breasts, or had gotten my period. before i liked boys or stopped playing with dolls. it happened before i was afraid to walk home from my best friends house at night, or sit in the woods alone looking for inch worms. it went on for years. then one summer i went to slumber camp. that was a great summer. i had no friends. the other girls thought i was weird. sometimes i'd find myself pacing the bunk in the middle of the night not sure when i woke or what i was doing. none of that mattered. that summer noone touched me. its been years and i've had a miserable life. i've been a drunk and an addict. my friendships quickly wither and die. my relationships, of which there have been very few, cannot sustain my craziness, my issues with sex, my self-injury, my death wish. my mother yells at me that i have to "stop blaming everyone else for everything". i dont. i blame myself for not living a life of isolation. i make noone happy so its my fault they wish to god i would go the *&^% away. what i want to know is why i have to assume responsibility for the messed up shell of a person that i am. the half-crazed suicidal-every-other-week piece of crap that i've become. wheres the justice? why am i paying for someone elses sins?