Hi guys,
more to what Polly7 said: I love my man. I resent his immaturity which didn't really become apparent till I was dealing with his abusive behaviour. With out a doubt we see what we want to see ...but who doesn't? I seem to think a mate has this quality or that only to find it tends to be my projection.

You are right Nowheretorun "How can you love an abuser?" Initially the abuse is not apparent. In my case it was really about a year before I realised and it was in my face then. I was startled and did reconcile based on other men I have known whom have had an isolated eruption. Unfortunately we went from bad to worse and as you recall I quit the relationship.

...well about a month ago HE initiated the contact and wanted to get his life and us back on track. Previously I have been the negotiator. He was like a train wreck coming through the window. He quit substance abuse and we prepared a tight budget to clear his debts, including debts to me. One month in and we end up back where I can't reach him. That is I talk to him and we aren't connecting. Jeckle and Hyde. He's off the rails and last weekend I stopped the car and said if he didn't get out I would. He got out and I drove home. He called and I consented to see him midweek. I am inspired that he is doing some thinking but it is hardly consistent and I don't feel I'm the sort to be the strong one all the time. I tell him I'm not his mother.

He is real up and down and I'm cruising calm till twang, I snap. We just can't seem to get a harmonious rhythm. I have said before it is soooohh good and yet it can be soooohhhh baaaaaaddd. I am getting stronger within myself and I can say enough more readily and with less stress but we haven't made any fresh growth in how to get through these times.

Current status is we are trying to patch it together. I'm losing faith and I 'spose I'm waiting till the next episode which is a destructive outlook.

A friend wrote in my album 20years ago ...It is not how compatible you are but how you deal with incompatibility. It really can be a small part of a relationship that dominates and frustrates regardless of how good the rest is.

My man has some issues. Heaps of issues! Who am I? I come with buckets of bagagge. Bottom line is self respect. I respect myself so I will not tolerate crap. He's got a block on empathy and is rather self absorbed as do lots of folks. He objectifies me and others and defers responsibility for outcomes he creates. It's my fault he lost his mobile coz he left it in a phone booth while he was calling me!!?? Dergh. That's minor and current but really typical. Arrggghhhh.

I haven't got any answers. I love him and wish it weren't so troubled. Living one day at a time.

Regards Frances.