First of all, I have three T consults - tomorrow, Saturday, and Monday. I really want to cancel all of them, especially tomorrow's. I am so, so, so nervous. When I'm in my normal life, I am super confident and calm and collected and in control. Even in job interviews I am super calm and confident. But when meeting a new T, I just get SO nervous. And I act really dumb and it's tough to get things across because I'm nervous and stammering and not thinking straight and I end up misrepresenting myself and my issues...ugh, I just want to call this whole thing off. (Not planning on it, though. Good for me.)

The other thing is the mentoring program T recommended to me. The coordinator called me today and told me she had a potential mentor for me if I was interested in meeting her, and her name is Hope (no, really!). But the thing about this is that Hope is married (and I am so enamored with marriage that I cannot even begin to describe my love of it), and her partner also mentors someone, and they have a six month old baby.

The baby is the same age as my half-sister, and I don't know if this situation would be good for me, because I might feel like I need to compete for attention with the other mentee (because they do stuff like dinners with the whole family sometimes, and the other mentee already knows everyone and I don't) or with the baby, or I might feel jealous of the baby for having two mothers who love her, or I might just reproduce the whole dynamic with my father and my jealousy of his second family and how he loves the baby more and wants to spend more time with her and thus has no time for me...it might be a really dangerous situation to get myself into where I would start having these irrational feelings.

Like if we were having dinner with me and mentor and her partner and her partner's mentee and the baby and I wanted to talk about something but she needed to go take care of the baby or nurse the baby for twenty minutes or something, which is super normal when you have a baby, I might feel really hurt not for any logical reason but just because it would remind me of all the times when I want to talk with my dad but he can't because he's with the baby or he interrupts me mid-sentence to go deal with the baby or whatever.

I know that the coordinator thinks we will be a really good match, and she knows me well and T says she's really good at making good matches, so I will meet this person and see how I feel about her, and if I really click with her then I'll try it. But I'm worried I'm setting myself up for disaster, like with my former teacher who was a mentor and mother figure to me and how I would get so jealous of her kids for having such a devoted, loving mother...