I hate it when people give me those silent stares. Those looks that say "ew" "get away from me" "I hate you" "what are you doing" without ever having to speak a word. I don't get why people stare at me so much like that. Am I ugly? Dumb? Weird? What am I doing wrong all the time?

I'm a horrible person. I crave attention and respect. I lie to others, and to myself. I can't get past a day without saying one small lie probably. I say probably because it's become a subconscious thing. If someone asks me something, and I take it as them thinking I did something wrong, then I'll lie about what I may or may not have done. I lie to myself by giving myself symptoms of something. Like I want to be sick or hurt or sad. Like I want to be put with a label. I'm not sure right now if the things I'm questioning about myself are real. Like the fact that I'm confused about my sexuality. Am I questioning it just to get attention? Right now even, is a plead for "help," for attention. For a response. If anyone is reading all of this. I'm horrible.

Why do I want bad things to happen to me? Why am I such a secretive person when it comes to the most stupid, petty things? I'm a bad, bad, bad human being... I'm selfish.

I get so angry. I want to hurt people. I want to hurt myself. No friends or family I know have any idea what kind of anger I feel sometimes. It's like a monster. It's like a huge being inside of me, separate from everything else. It's a scary, mean thing. And I hate the fact that the scary mean thing is me.

Who is reading this...

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