Quote:
Originally Posted by paynful
From a professional’s point of view, I am functioning enough not to need crisis intervention. I’m not suicidal. I know in the coming days that if this continues, I will have suicidal ideation. I still won’t actually attempt anything, though. (I’m pretty certain.) I know I need to call and make an appointment with a doctor, but I haven’t been to see a doctor or therapist in about 4-5 years. I don’t want to start the invasive process all over again. I don’t want to be on medication again. Based upon my prior history, anti-depressants aren’t even an option to consider. I, also, have some interrelating (physical) health issues. So, I don’t know which kind of doctor to call first.
No one can help me right now, but me… so I’m pretty much screwed.
I am well enough that no one will intercede, but I’m sick enough that I can’t help myself.
Where does that leave me? My own personal Limbo…
|
I was feeling a little better today. I decided that while I still didn't know the "right" person/place to call, I just had to do
something. Time to take action while I still have the drive to do it.
I figured I would call to make appointments at my local mental health services (for my depression and anxiety) and a walk-in clinic for my physical ailments. Those doctors are used to shuffling people back and forth, and they could sort me out. Well... silly me.
Unless I want to work the rest of my life JUST to pay them for an initial visit, I have to sort the insurance first. Obviously. However, I was naive enough to believe that things could be sorted retroactively. Well the process is such that... even if I signed up yesterday, I wouldn't be able to get help until the first of next month.
I know this shouldn't be shocking to me, but damn, I feel dumb... and defeated.
I just want to crawl under my covers and stay in the fetal position forever.
I'm just so very, very tired. I don't even want to find help now. So what if my swelling organs are doing weird s***. Maybe the aching lower back and sharp pains in my abdomen will do me a favor. Who cares that the depression is dragging me deeper and deeper. Maybe I'll get so lost in my head, no one will be able to find me.
Maybe I'll stop b**ching like a little girl in the morning, and step up. Maybe I just needed to write this out so I can read it in the morning.
When I get mad, I end up getting results... it usually starts with, "I'm going to have to speak to your supervisor..." lol
Only time will tell....
until then... fetal position, it is!
