If I feel vulnerable or crushing on any lady. I will shut down and not talk to her or anyone.This rarely happens I've had 8 failed abusive relationships in the past 4 years. I don't have problems with doing them or starting them. If I feel like I have to love someone that wound has been broken and destroyed so much I'm stuck not wanting to love because if I don't they leave and if I do open up a little they'll leave. It's happened either way, it started because I opened my heart as a friend to people. Either I got raped, beaten, or forced to undergo torture and things I wouldn't wish on anyone when recovering I'm always told you'll need to work on yourself. I hate hearing it now, I've done enough and it's so hurtful to me because I feel like I'm not good enough regardless what I do. Any feelings aren't really real, so if I feel like I love anyone I lie and deny and pretend it never existed. So I find out the intentions of the person, always the person is a ****** person or not interested or both. I've been very positive and attracted people, but I hate being told if a girl likes me it's for bad reasons. I don't like people. I can't choose who I want to love, I gotta settle for something I'm expected to throw away and being told off like. Is that what people do, if you're not so lucky get masochistic and throw your life away. I hate being here, I'm tired being second or last. I'm tired putting all the effort for anyone quality and I'm just a piece of nothing. I hate putting my emotions or anything, I abuse myself on a regular basis masochistic behavior, because I hate feeling loved then abandoned from false promises. I hate it I hate it. I don't want anything, I sometimes hope to die from this ****ed up place of this world. Everything is doomed to fail and same with relationships. So I always say, don't bother with it, don't get anything started get ready to take your suicide pills when you can't go on or too old to take care of yourself and justified you survived being alone. I don't know I've dated a lot of girls, gotten close to some girls, but now. I don't care, my wants and needs are nothing. I hate this society I have to pick a girl on her needs, **** that! I get nothing, and rewarded with something stupid like sex or manipulative ****. That's ****ed up why people want that. I think it's very abusive and controlling I wanted to be treated with respect and when I stick up for myself decent girls get mad or not so decent get mad at me, because I'm honest to them like their girlfriends and such and I can tell them off and not be afraid to stick up for myself when needed. I hate it, I don't want this body this label of everyother stupid mistake I hear from other guys. I'm in that category. No one wants to date me, because I'm a ****ed up loser that is so depressing they'll kill themselves with gasoline and light themselves on fire. That's how they treat me. I hate being here. I don't care who I piss off, I'm hurting enough. I lost a daughter through abortion, I was beaten and abused, no matter how much emotion or heart I put in I'm not worth the time to be looked at. I'm not what they want. I ****ing hate it. I hate putting anything for all the lies all the fake superficiality I know this generation will die and I hope it does, because it's heartless. There I ****ing said it. I don't care, I suffered enough. I use sex as a form of abuse to myself I want to be beaten raped and have someone I like to treat me like dirt and tease me like I'm a piece of ****. That's how I feel ****ing people