When is it that I will hate myself enough, cry enough, try enough medication, lose enough of my potential, push enough people away, cause enough hurt to those who love me, and forget what living really means enough to make the decision to do something drastic. Strangely, I used to think it comforting to know that 3+ years of depression couldn't push me off the edge. Then I realized that I am over the edge, I've actually been dangling from it this whole time, and I'm losing strength to hold on. I don't want to alarm my family or friends, but I can't keep pretending that I have the fortitude to pull myself up from that edge.
When do I say 'alright, depression and anxiety, that's all I can take. My eyes and arms were wide open to catch all the pain in the world, and now I don't want any more of it.' I kept the pain hidden so that I could shield the ones I love from it, but it's a toxic stagnation that keeps me standing still in a moving world. I think I've had enough. I've tried a few forms of treatment, but never going somewhere controlled and structured - like a retreat or hospital, or rehab - and I'm wondering how effective that would be for me. Any advice, experience, thoughts?