People always say you have to work on yourself and they always say you can't love anyone until you love yourself. But, here's the thing.... I have very low self-esteem and I'm married with kids. I've been suicidal since childhood. I've been through all this trauma and BS. I met my husband when I was completely suicidal. I had a plan for years, it just required a specific trigger which never came.

And the thing is, it changes. I don't have that plan any more. Suicide is a symptom, not an illness. And, it's powerful and a demon that lives with you for your whole life. I've learned this. I believe I've overcome suicide, however, I still have to watch my back because it still comes up in my thoughts. I don't think you can cure it, but I'm in remission from it, out of battling in my soul and mind 24/7. I know I'm unwell when it grows in strength, (because it's a symptom of other things.) Like a fever. A fever isn't the illness but you have to treat it or it will kill you.

Being full of anger and darkness doesn't just go away. But you can learn to take care of yourself and protect you from you. I think that's the key for people with MI when we're told "you have to work on you." And a relationship needs to be 2 sided. So, if you're drawn to toxic women, which it sounds like you are, the only way that's going to change is through you figuring out why you're drawn to these women and working on that. If you want someone who will take care of your needs you need to work on healing that part of you that thinks you don't deserve love.

It's hard, I know. I've walked that road. I met my husband on that road, and I'm still on that road. It's not something that just gets better. And there is no magical anything that will makeit better. but if you want a better relationship with someone who isn't toxic, first you have to start lifting yourself up so you know that you don't need to be beaten or raped or treated like trash, and you really don't deserve it. That's the lie of the suicide demon in your head. I know that demon well, and it's really good at lying and breaking you down.