Quote:
Originally Posted by Asiablue
No, i don't think they need to be perfect or comfy in one day. But i do think you should get a good feeling about them, a sense of who they are and how they work, you should feel a draw to them and like you're excited to work with them.
I think a good sign is if they are also thoughtful, willing to negotiate things like boundaries, see the therapy process as collaborative etc. I don't think any T is literally "perfect" i just mean as close a match to you as possible.
Also i wanted to say about speaking to them about boundaries. Are you painting a picture that you have lots of difficulties with boundaries? It's good to be really honest but not overly negative about your difficulties. Cos as soon as any new T hears that, alarm bells ring and they seem to overstate how boundaried they are, and they can seem a bit rigid and actually when they get to know you and see that you're not really boundary-less they relax them a bit. That's been my experience. They start with the walls quite high, keep to the traditional boundaries, but as they warm to you and trust starts to build between you they can bring them down a bit and work with you about outside contact.
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Yeah, I might have been overstating my issues with boundaries...I mentioned the situation a few weeks ago where I sent current T an email after being expressly told not to, and mentioned the maternal transference with ED T, and mentioned how sometimes I play out a specific familiar dynamic where I push boundaries to try to provoke a response that reminds me of my mother, ex. the T getting upset at me, so then I can tell myself the T doesn't actually care. I thought it was important to be upfront about that, but I can see how that would scare some Ts off. But I guess if they're not confident in their ability to deal with that attachment dynamic, they might not be the best for me?
At the very least, I want to know that they know what they're getting into, and that their boundaries are flexible and open to negotiation, and that they're not going to get upset at me or shame me for doing something wrong. I mentioned this to the T today and asked her if she would get angry at me if I broke a boundary we'd already discussed, and she said she didn't know whether she would get angry or not - that to me isn't right. The correct answer is that you would never act angry at a client because your feelings are yours and don't enter into the equation when dealing with clients. Even current T says this, although she struggles to adhere to it, I think.
And I guess it is about being excited to work with them. This was the case with current T, with ED T, with CBT T, possibly with past long-term T (but that might have just been my loneliness and anxiety and the magical thought that she might be able to help). With the T I consulted today, I didn't feel that even a little.
So I will keep looking. One consult tomorrow, one on Monday, and if neither of them are making me feel that excitement, then I will book some more consults.
It was so weird to talk about current T with this T, though, even though she asked, because I know they know each other. Awkward. The queer community is tiny. Luckily the next T I'm consulting isn't queer.