Quote:
Originally Posted by Amelia112
Good for you to have made it to the consult even though you were so nervous - and good for you to be so open in the consult.
But may I give you a little tiny, weeny piece of advice? The "perfect fit" is not always the one that in the first consult "promises" you to be flexible with boundaries with you or who makes you feel all cozy and protected and understood right from the start.
What strikes me in your post (and some of the other ones I have read from you) is that you are so intelligent and insightful about where certain behaviors and beliefs and expectations stem from. You know a lot of the reasons for why you are doing or not doing certain things. You articulate yourself great, you are smart and funny. But then comes the T issue and it seems to me you forget all the good things about yourself a little.
What I mean is, is your perfect T one who lets you "push" boundaries? Or is it simply that you would like to be able to contact the T in between sessions? These are two completely different things yet you mix them up into one confusing thing.
What other boundaries do you want to push? Are you looking for a therapist who is comfortable with touch? Then again - two different things!
You talk about boundaries as if they are a challenge for you. That you need to test them, use them to test the relationship, utilize them for your needs.. Do you see where I am coming from?
Instead of asking a T how he/she responds to boundary violations (and I agree with whoever said that it might raise a concern in the T) why don't you ask questions like:
What is your view on out-of-session contact?
What is your view on touch in therapy?
Do you sometimes get angry at clients, and how do you deal with that?
You would learn soooo much more this way and the T would have the opportunity to tell you and the word boundary wouldn't even have to come up necessarily.
Give yourself (AND THE T) a chance to start on the same page..
Right now it seems you are looking for a T in a way where you set yourself up for disappointment..
I am very curious to hear how the next consults go though.. And I wish you luck and courage.
Lots of love,
Amelia
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Thanks, Amelia. I appreciate this. You're right that I might be setting myself up for disappointment - I actually planned on asking specifically about out of session contact, but it sort of took a different turn when the T asked me about my current T and I mentioned boundaries (her style and my needs) as something that wasn't working for that relationship.
It's not so much that I need out of session contact (although I think I do) but more that I need someone who will be patient and supportive and caring and kind and compassionate even when I'm behaving badly. And I don't know how to figure that out other than through trial and error. I don't need a T who lets me "push" boundaries so much as a T who isn't going to shame me and punish me and get angry at me if that does happen, which it inevitably will.
What I really need is someone who recognizes that when I'm pushing them away or pulling them into something they don't want (ex. emailing between sessions after being told not to), that's not me being defiant or trying to hurt them or break a rule, but me being overwhelmed or scared, and that means they need to respond compassionately to me instead of being like, "Here's my rule; you know my rule; you broke it." Because there is nothing anyone could say to me in a situation like that that would make me feel any guiltier than I already feel, and it's just not helpful. I actually told all this to the T today, and her response was just that with trauma work and attachment stuff, firm boundaries are important. Maybe for some people, but I have that with current T, and it's just not working for me.
I also need a T who is willing to wait for me to trust them and meet me where I am, which is why this T asking me for an example of childhood abuse on day one raised a red flag. I need a T who will see me as a person and not make me feel like I'm just a paycheque. The issue with my current T is that sometimes it feels very clinical, like there's a wall between us and she's not engaged with me and has no stake in my healing, and that makes me feel especially vulnerable and uncomfortable and undermines trust.