A HUGE thanks to everyone who has been replying to my trans postings! It means more to me than I can express! I wanted to write a bit more on this psychotic twin concept & how it came about. I should say, in all honesty, that this is not new. I have, over the past year or so, uploaded videos onto YouTube with regard to some of this. (I have since deleted them though so they're no longer available for viewing.)

A year ago this past October I made my latest, & most serious suicide attempt so far. I was told, afterward, that I was basically dead, but was brought back (dang-it! ) While I was in the hospital, one of my caregivers asked me, one day, if I had ever wanted to write a novel. I think I said something like: "Sure, hasn't everyone?" Then she told me about the National Novel Writing Month (NaNoWriMo) which happens every November. It's kind of like a marathon for writers. The object is to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days.

Well, I returned home the last day or two of October & having nothing to do but sit around & contemplate my failure, I decided to participate in NaNoWriMo so I did. Well, my novel was junk! I decided just to write about myself & my struggles with being transsexual. Unfortunately, I ran out of material about halfway through the month. So, from that point on, I just wrote whatever came into my head in order to reach the 50,000 word goal, which I did.

One of the fancies I dreamt up during this process was the idea of a fraternal twin sister. She never developed physically. But her consciousness became subsumed within my male body & she continues to co-exist with me today. Being entrapped within my male body all these years has, however, caused her to lose her mind; & thus she is now psychotic. She must be kept locked away in a padded cell for her own protection and mine. Who knows what she might do were she to be released? (This is, in a sense, true. I have often wondered what would happen if I suddenly decided to waste everything & everyone, & follow my heart! )

At first my fraternal twin sister was simply literary (using the term loosely) symbolism. But, over time, the idea has become more & more real to me. Of course I know there is really no fraternal twin sister inside of me. But I must admit that she seems almost real & I do talk with her at times. Initially I named her Eileen. This was after the old movie: "My Sister Eileen". But my sister hated that name & gave me no end of trouble over it. So for a long time she had no name at all. Quite recently the name Gretchen popped into my mind. (I don't know anyone named Gretchen.) But my sister seems to like this name. So I guess Gretchen is what I will call her from now on.

So this is how the concept of my fraternal twin sister developed. I guess my hope is that, in relating all of this along with the other transgender posts I've written, it will help others (both trans & non) to increase their understanding with regard to what a life lived as a non-transitioned transsexual is like. I've had 60+ years to learn about it. Thanks again for reading, & replying to, my posts!