Take a deep breath. The only expectations you need to live up to are your own.
Prioritize things. You know that SI and other addictions aren't going to help. They may give you temporary relief, but it just makes the problem worse.

Addictions, including SI are sneaky. They let you think you are in control of them, when in fact its the other way around. By the time you figure it out, its too late. I'm sure I'm not telling you anything you don't already know.

Not everything is your fault. You may have made some mistakes, but you can't punish yourself for doing what seemed the right thing at the time, or for feeling bad. Having been a cutter for years, (I quit two years ago after more than three decades of doing it), all it does it take what self esteem you have left. I'm not a therapist or psycho analyst, but I believe its a form of dissociation. At least during the event. Its a coping skill that has out lived its usefulness and now just causes problems. Can you write or draw your feelings in a journal? Its not illegal to draw even the most hideous and vengeful pictures and it helps let the anger and what ever else you feel go out through your pencil or pen.

sam2