I'm here I'm totally fine I'm just not sure what I can add to the forum anymore because it's like my mind just wants to forget any of this ever happened to me. It like my brain is rewriting history. What is reminds me of is how sometimes when someone is really obese and they get skinny it's hard for them to hang out with other people who are still heavy because it's an aspect of themselves that they no longer accept despite the fact that they totally understand. It's like my brain is telling me how terrible psychosis is/was rather than some of the neat things about the experience. It's an unbalanced perspective. I just don't want to bring this negativity to you guys. I'm starting to feel like an outsider here and I'm trying to figure out if it's time for me to move on with my life or just to have a more limited role in terms of some of the more science based stuff or recovery or whatever. Just not sure right now but I feel like a jerk for feeling this way but it's like there is a division between what I am now and what I was. Like take clozapine...when I was sick I was all no way I'm touching that stuff it's poison cause it is but now I'm like clozaril is useful in certain hard to treat cases as a last resort etc and I would personally consider it...it's just weird it's like now that the threat that I would actually have to take it is gone I think about it entirely differently and I don't think it's a fair perspective. It's easy enough to say take a med when you're not personally dealing with the side effects. So that's what's going on I just don't have a good solution it's like I just want to go back into the mainstream world and blend in and forget all the psychiatrists and meds etc. like it was a bad bad dream.