My heart is aching and I'm not anxious bout my singing, it's something I need to show, but my emotions get the best of me. I want to sing my heart out and do it right and when I do I just shut down. I'm scared of being made fun of, which happens, when I do get laughed at and feel ridiculed it really hurts, because I'm one day not going to have this option to sing and I'm trying to sing and have this vulnerability out truly in it's glory what I know, but then again I don't know what that is. I train my vocals, I cut down on my smoking, I cut down on everything don't do any like that anymore ever. I drink water for singing sometimes a sprite, but not often it's for my condition medically will take my voice away for good and I won't make the facial patterns internally and externally to formulate words and it will kill me I can't sing not able to show something they couldn't see before. I want to be in a post hardcore/pop punkish cleans vocalist. I know my vocal range is higher and I can sing the used comfortably a day to remember and i see stars periphery etc. I just need a professional, I don't know where to go. I can't afford or have the time to get one, despite how desperately I needed one. I want to be in this band, I'm in it now as the official clean vocalist, but then I'm scared in about a week I'll finally show the guy I'm in his band and **** up because of whatever reason whether psychological or physical. It truly scares me not only that I won't be able to eat or walk or do anything it tenses my body so badly. I have the very rare condition called stiff person syndrome, it's pure hell I don't suggest this should be wished on anyone else. This truly is the deepest thing in my heart, I can express myself in a way I couldn't do ever, I need this, but if I'm just a bad singer for the rest of my life with a broken body. I don't want to be on this planet anymore, because I want to sing and I don't let it bother me what people think sometimes when I'm ok, but other times. I'm so stupid with it, I need to do it right. I don't know if I am and I'm so angry I can't love my voice when it's ridiculed and laughed at.