Hi everyone. I just looked at my first post from yesterday's overnight hours and after having had a night to sleep on it I'm embarrassed. I sounded like detective Sgt. Joe Friday from the 1960's TV show "Dragnet" who was always saying, "Just the facts, ma'am."

I didn't share any real feelings and hid behind the "facts." To be perfectly honest I feel really fearful right now. After I became really dangerously (toward myself only) mentally ill in the St. Louis area my dad talked me into moving near him here in Arizona. I had just come out of a 22 year marriage and didn't know which end was up. I read one time that marriages with a newly diagnosed bipolar partner have a greater than 70% chance of failing--I proved that right.

My mom died in 2001 and it was just dad and me out here after I moved here in December 2005. I met my wonderful wife the following year. She read everything about bipolar disorder she could get her hands on and decided I was more important to her than my diagnosis. She is one of the bookends in my life. My father is the other and my "higher power" is the shelf.

My wife and moved 1 mile/five minutes from dad and my stepmom in 2007 at his request as he wanted to help keep an eye on me. Sometimes my bipolar takes me into dark and dangerous places. He surprised me the other day by telling me they're moving across town. This was after he told me they would stay in this community right by me for another year or two.

I felt like I'd been kicked in the gut. I felt betrayed. I felt abandoned. It felt like he was ditching me. I feel afraid. I don't like driving--it really stresses me out. I used to take an anti-anxiety med to handle driving when I first moved out here. I don't anymore since a friend of mine got a DUI for being in an accident and they found this in her blood at the hospital.

So, now what? I've really become dependent on dad for feedback and help in making decisions. I mean, I'm so afraid of making wrong ones I just sit and worry and don't make any. I hate that I used to be able to make snap decisions and now I'm afraid to make them.

Yea, fear is a big deal for me right now. My "12-stepper" friends say that "fear" is merely "False-Evidence-Appearing-Real." It feels pretty real to me though. I'd been ignoring dad's calls the past week. I know he does care as he calls every weekday to check up on me but until today I couldn't handle it. And even today I ran the phone call through my mind for an hour before I called.

I've been ruminating for hours each day about this move of theirs. I've spent days rehearsing the call to him. I don't like living this way. Stuff never used to bog me down before I was diagnosed with several mental illnesses. I'm not bitter like I used to be. I'm just more sad now than anything.

It's a done deed to I'm going to have to adjust to his moving. I did tell him though that right now the new house is not "safe" in my mind. I don't go, because of my PTSD, anyplace that feels unsafe or a possible trigger. So I don't know what will happen. I just know I'm afraid and I hate feeling that way.

Anyway, thanks to those who've read this. Do any of you have insight into how to handle feelings of abandonment by a parent? It's all new to me. Wishing all of you the best....