I'm really sorry for a long thread but if you could take the time to read it i hope to relate to some of you.. and perhaps you can help me out?

At school (2years ago): Big incidents were happening at home - at the time I was living with a teacher2..My teacher1 took me under her wing and I know I was special to her over other students. But talking was never enough. Even though I saw her or spoke to her nearly every day, I always wanted more. I guess like a drug, the attention was only short term so I had to find ways of getting it more often, I think it took over my life, my thoughts..it was what I now know as maternal tranference..

I wanted her to adopt me. So if a big incident happened i would purposely not talk or run- away or turn up at her house just for her to care for me. The situations were awful but I almost wanted them to continue because it meant I got to see my teacher1. But I was almost 'egging' it just so I got attention. I feel so awful. I wanted the relationship with my teacher to be like mother and daughter, and at times she did treat me like her daughter but that almost made me more upset that I wasn’t and make me crave the comfort more. I think because I almost ‘broke the boundaries’ of a normal teacher-student relationship I got confused and then I left and she left me by not contacting me.

Since I left school it was fantastic I had moved away from teacher1 and transference faded even though it was super hard. I wanted Therapy so bad for so long to get better because I now know i may have PSTD & anxiety.. but I always put it off because I was petrified about getting myself into the same cycle I had with my teacher and not getting the help I needed because all I would concentrate on was getting the comfort – back in the cycle. I was also scared because I was aware that counselling is a job. Therefore, I was also scared of perhaps feeling rejected again - by not feeling ‘special’. But I needed that - and my need for wanting to move on and ‘get better’ was stronger.. I thought by coping alone for a 2years, transference wouldn’t happen again..

So i took the huge step to have therapy but unfortunately, maternal transference started happening a couple of months ago.. and i'm now consciously fighting between two me’s. Me1 who wants to get better and Me2 who wants to purposefully induce physical incidents so T can care for me, like SI, get in trouble with the police, run away, have her find me, hug me , care for me ( all physical things because talking just doesn't give me that same attention)

So far I have stopped myself from physically acting out - but this need is getting stronger. How do I stop myself? Any thoughts would be much appreciated!

Ps - T is great, but doesn't hug .. but its good because she keeps her boundaries and being consistent is what I need. I have learnt so much!! But what if this transference is stopping me from getting better- rid of the memories etc? I can't leave her - I wont - I can't but.. i don't know ....

Thanks