Hey JMMAI, thank you for sharing this. I get how hard it is, I think. I understand the wish to get the attention you are starving for. I think it's not an unusual thing, and certainly not an indication that you are a weak person or anything like that. On the contrary, you are fighting it with all you have, and that's really admirable.

I'm afraid that the only advice I can give you is to talk to your T about it. Have you tried doing that? Just as you say, this seems to be a recurring pattern for you, and sometimes the only way to get away from the pattern is to understand it and work through it. Sinply finding ways to suppress the actions you want to do can perhaps work, but I also think that it is important for your T to be aware of what's going on, so she can act in ways that don't leave you crushed, but also don't feed into the cycle.

I'm sorry things are so hard. I hope your T can help you get through this.