Hi Sparky, it sounds like things are really hard for you right now, but I've got to say well done on beating the urge to cut as you have done. And well done on taking the opportunity to get help. I know it can't be easy.
It is really good that you've told some of those closest to you but it sounds like you need a little more help with the way you've been feeling as well? Sometimes if people aren't that familiar with depression/SI/cutting they may find it hard to understand or support you in all the ways you need them to. So while you're sharing with them also make sure you're talking to others who may know a little better where you're "coming from". Maybe here will help you or maybe a hotline/crisis line might help if you need that?
Naturally you're going to know that one cut can lead into another....and another.....or a deeper......and deeper.......cut. So the more you can do to ease the urge for yourself the better.
And of course the "minor" SI, really matters too!!!
But do you want to tell us a little more about why you don't think you deserve happiness? why you think you deserve only failure and pain? That does sound really harsh on yourself!! Do you think maybe depression is speaking for you there??
Alison