Back in 2007, I was diagnosed with cluster b (narcissistic, histrionic and borderline); the whole package.

In 2013, I was tested again and it changed to cluster c (avoidant/obsessive) with remnants of cluster b, but only borderline and a little narcissistic personality disorder. The more prominent disorders were the obsessive and avoidant, so now I have waaay too many personality disorders

I'm taking it in stride and doing my best to remind myself that people, other than myself, are important, have feelings, insecurities, etc.

But I'm still having one huge problem: The tiniest insult will piss me off for days, weeks, sometimes months. One downvote from a comment on another site and I feel my hands become cold and numb, the back of my neck begins to pulse, I feel heat all around my body, my heart races, my mouth drys out and I feel paralyzed but my eyes are wide open. My reasoning simply shuts down and I become pure instinct. I feel pure bloodlust. I cannot stop it. I want to do something to get revenge; to teach them not to bully other people. It all goes back to when I was bullied a lot in school. I feel like a vigilante, setting out to troll the trolls; to expose them; to find them so I can walk up to their door and stare them in the face, face to face. Look them directly in the eyes and just ask them why. I get this urge to hack the site to find their IP address (which I know someone who actually can). I start thinking about stalking them, finding them, ruining them and doing it all using loopholes in the law. I don't argue because I know that an argument will just go on forever. I want to take action. If they piss me off severely (usually when I say something kind and I get whipped for it [trolled]) it sets me off like you wouldn't believe. I begin fantasizing about capturing them and torturing them; keeping them alive for as long as I can. I get off on the idea. It makes me happy. It feels like heaven.

Of course, since I have to much to lose, I could never do such things. I understand that people have freedom of speech but some people take it too far. Harassing, bullying, hurting because you think you are anonymous is cowardly. I want to put a stop to this so passionately. People should be nice and considerate of others.

My defect is this: Once someone makes me angry, my brain suddenly reasons that they are not real, nor aware, nor important and, therefore, disposable. They are nothing.

When I snap out of the anger, they are living, breathing people again and I don't want to hurt them.

I want to NOT FEEL ANGER, EVER. PERIOD. It is counterproductive and harmful to my progress. If I could get rid of it then people can say whatever they want and I wouldn't care. God, I wish I could do that. Being angry is miserable and I do anything I can to get rid of it and go back to being chill and laid-back again. I LOVE being in an good mood. Go figure.

This is something I am discussing with my therapist but appointments are too far apart, making progress too slow.

I don't want to hurt anyone. I can feel it welling up inside of me. I stay in my house in fear that I will hurt someone and not be able to stop myself. I don't mind that I get angry, if I lived in a world populated by only myself, but I live in a world where I have to get along with other people. I have no choice but to hold most of who I am inside and hide; put on my metaphorical people-mask and socially-acceptable corset before I go out the door and into the world. That corset gets tighter every year. I feel confined. It has been killing my immune system and I feel like I am dying.

I want to go out into the woods and just climb trees and scream and screw and be wild; just let it all out. I want to smash things, draw on things, stab, kill, just go nuts. The compacted energy hurts and is starting to make life a bit confusing.

My mother (whom I never knew) had severe paranoid schizophrenia. My sister has it and I feel it activating with age. It's the kind that kicks in as you get older and it's scary.

This is why I wanted to die. I don't want to hurt anyone. Dying will save them all from me. I am a mistake of nature. I NEED to be removed for the safety of others. I am afraid that if I live longer, I will hurt someone. So far, nothing has happened. I have never assaulted anyone, nor followed through on my threats. I have no criminal record. I've tried my best to do everything properly. It's confining. I don't want to feel anger.

This post is coming from a trigger that happened earlier last night. I'm still fuming. I can't move. I want to go to bed but I can't move.

But shame on me for opening my mouth and having an opinion.