Quote:
Originally Posted by Melodic
You actually sound like you're a genuine person and have good intentions with her. I don't know whether it's the way you're phrasing it but it kind of sounds like she's got some highly strung personality and it's almost impossible to deal with. I can relate to her because I am pretty much on edge all the time due to commitments as well, and I would take it out on other people close too, but I would afterwards be aware I was doing that, and I would usually apologise for the way I was acting.
While I definitely can understand why she would get upset if you were aloof and disinterested when meeting with her, it seems like she has serious issues, and feels like she is being victimised.. I can also see how she would be upset if she met up with your friend and then you acted in a way she was displeased with, but she seems to have taken it as a personal attack directly at her?
I can only really come up with 2 ideas, and one is that she is really interested in you but feels like you don't show enough interest (with your aloofness) or your actions aren't acceptable, so the pulling away is kind of like a method to try and get you to show more interest/beg/apologise for what you did; it is a little manipulative but it does make you think and run back towards her (alternatively it could make you walk away completely). The other possibility is that she isn't particularly interested in you, which is why the moment you do something slightly wrong (even if it is not a personal attack on her), she finds it easy to 'punish' you by pulling away and acting hurt; perhaps each time you 'screw up' she questions whether you are right for each other. Then again, perhaps this is just her detached style to disappear for days at a time, and she is the one being aloof..
Again I'm not saying she's totally in the wrong, because I can see how some of your actions may make her feel unhappy and a bit rejected, but from what I can tell her reactions seem to be a bit extreme for the circumstances? Just my opinion though I may have misread/misinterpreted. I think if you really truly care about her then you should try to fully understand how busy and stressed she must be from work, accept that her feelings of hurt are probably genuine, and try to be her rock for whenever she needs it. But also be prepared to walk away if it seems like no matter what you do, you will be blamed anyway.
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Very thoughtful response. I appreciate it.
Her personality is high-strung, plain and simple, but up until now it hasn't been impossible to deal with. My response has always been to try to be there for her, and I occasionally mess up by trying to "fix" her problems or by not being attentive enough, while other times I do a good job listening, and sometimes she just simply goes radio silent and I know she needs her space. The first time we fell apart, she actually had to ask for space directly. Now, I can sense it ahead of time and give it without asking.
Again, I hate to make excuses, but she's in a line of work that requires working 7am-9pm 7 days a week right now. I know her and she's going to work-out classes 1-2 times a day. She never dismisses responsibility.
Sounds like you're quite a bit like her, based on what you wrote. She is very much on edge and over-committed. She'll snap at me for nothing and when I let it bounce off me, she usually apologizes 10 seconds later and/or says "god, I'm so irritable/stressed out. I shouldn't take it out on you." I usually try to console her with "it's fine.", but maybe I should say "it's not okay, I'm trying to help you here". I don't say it's cool to bend backwards for her, but because I want to remain calm and hopefully have it relax her, and frankly I don't get totally flipped upside down just over her being moody. Something as simple as not finding her wallet in her purse immediately sends her into a super anxious, angry fit. Should I be telling her it's not OK, or should I be trying to remain calm with her?
I don't think she felt like I personally attacked her. I think I acted like a type of guy she would never be interested in. Further, my "best friend" was someone she could never be interested in. In my opinion, she sees lack of congruence in my personality albeit momentarily.
Addressing the two ideas you mentioned. She doesn't want me to beg. I begged for forgiveness after our first falling out and it pushed her far away. It was at that time that I totally removed myself and walked away. After a week she was pursuing me again. I treated her like we were on our first date and we rekindled. It's probably more #2: she's wondering if we're right for each other. In fact, after my first "screw up", when she came back, she even explicitly said she consulted her friends who said I was "right for her". Idk if they're still in my corner.
I appreciate your last mark, in bold. I understand everything she has going on, and it's not something I can't fix for her. What she needs from a guy right now is casual and light-hearted relationship. I sort of wish I didn't apologize two nights ago at dinner, because I feel like she wasn't in the mood to visit that, although my intentions were good obviously. As you suggest, I'm going to leave her alone. I'm going to be prepared to walk away. In fact, I feel like I'm already started to leave. Each day is a bit easier. I spend my time advancing my career, working on hobbies, hanging with friends, lifting -- it keeps my mind off her. It's just in the mornings when I realize another day has passed without her reaching out that my heart feels heavy.