Hi Amy, not read your past posts but.....SI, right? And SI absolutely doesn't make you stupid!!
It doesn't mean that there aren't other more "healthy" coping resources out there for you, but you hadn't got those, or one's that worked for you at that particular time, right?
Now instead of "beating yourself up" about what you've done, instead focus on reaching more towards finding those. I know finding things that might be able to help you might be really hard, take time, and unfortunately no "quick, easy fixes" but.......every step counts.
It is really good that you're committing yourself to therapy and trying to work through things that have happened to you (things that weren't your fault!!). And whatever you can tell your T about how certain things/aspects of the sessions trigger you, might be able to help a lot in the way they carry out your sessions.
But for now "temporary releases"?? e.g. exercise, activities, relaxation.........if you can find something that may help when nothing else is?? Sometimes this can take a lot of trial and error but........worth trying and trying and trying (if you aren't already, obviously!).
And as for visiting the doctor......well, as many times as it takes.........you're the important one in all of this and whatever it takes to get all the help you need. Nothing at all wrong with that!! And NO SHAME!!
Here for you if you want to talk about things a bit more...........
Alison