So yesterday I went to my therapist and she told me flat out that if I keep going the rate I am, I will probably have to go to the hospital in a month. I can't go there, but I don't want to eat. I've tried, but I can only manage a few bites at a time. She said a good way for me to start upping my calorie intake would be to eat 6 small meals a day. So far, that isn't working out too well. I can't get past this mental block that I'm not thin enough. I'm finally starting to get somewhat happy with my weight, but I'm just not there yet. My friend looked at me today and said, "you look anorexic," just out of no where. I hate having this ed hanging over me, and I know nothing will happen over night, but the only thing that is motivating me to get better is the hospital threat. That has been my motivation ever since my therapist mentioned it, but I just seem to get worse and worse.

The hardest part is getting out of my eating schedule. I could easily go almost a week without eating. I don't know how to get back to eating every day. Its really hard and I don't know why I can't get my brain to understand that eating is okay. I'm just getting pretty desperate for some advice on the mental side of recovery. I've finally accepted it is a problem, but at the same time, I don't know how to get better and still feel good about myself while being "healthy".

Also, if I go to a hospital, that means I may miss my finals for school and I may miss graduation. This is my senior year in high school, sophomore year in college, and I have a very busy schedule and my family life isn't the greatest. My dad and I can't seem to appease each other no matter what we do. So this ed is the only thing that I feel like I can control and I'm scared of letting that go. I just feel stuck being pulled in multiple directions.