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Originally Posted by indigo1015
It's a little after 5:30am and I'm up at a coffee place... actually, I didn't sleep at all last night. At all. I have issues with self-hatred, and although I've really been making progress on controlling other aspects of my life, I am still having trouble with this one. My self-hatred is deep-rooted, and it's grown like a weed or a cancer inside me. I couldn't sleep because I was having an episode last night -- either I was crying or I was tossing and turning in bed, or my body was clenching up. I need to work on this very desperately, because it is crippling me. It keeps me from putting my best foot forward, it keeps me from making new friends and meeting new people. I feel like everyone's better than me and that no one will like me or will think I'm good enough for them. It's really horrible because I feel like I can't ever satisfy myself. Nothing is EVER good enough. I can't enjoy the present because I'm always worrying about the future, when my friends will find out that I'm really a total loser and they'll dump me, or when the truth is revealed that I suck at everything. I always feel like I'm hiding my true self from people, like I can't be myself ever. And now I have a terrible headache from coffee and not sleeping, but I don't want to go back to my apartment. I'm going to discuss this with my therapist, but I'm clueless about how to deal with this in the meantime... is there even a point to trying???
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I feel the same way most of the time. At work I always feel like everyone I work with is better than me. I feel like my friends have better lives than me, my friends and family are judging me, and I'll never amount to anything. One thing I've tried to think about recently is what I want. I am about a year away from graduating college (I'm in my late 20s so I've been in and out of school for a while, never successfully graduating) and I want to own a home and have a family. Sometimes I think I'll never have these things because I'll never find someone who will marry me and I'll never make enough money to afford a house and kids. But I've been trying to tell myself that if I want those things, nobody can stop me from getting them. So maybe I'll never be a millionaire but who cares! I think you should make a list of things you want out of life or goals and then figure out a way to get them. Make realistic goals that don't depend on others to accomplish. Sometimes that little bit of hope makes a huge difference. You need a reason to get out of bed in the morning, so create one. I hope you feel better soon!