Mastodon: Yes i have told my t well i wrote it down for her but we haven't really 'talked' about it and I'm not sure i really want to bring it up again.. but i know i should ..there just seems to be so much we are working on.. Thank you

HopelesslyHopeful: Yes T does know about my teacher but as I said above we haven't really talked about it with pstd memories and the past and the future and anxiety there just doesnt seem space .. i thought by sorting the other problems out it would solve my transference issues.. it has helped me to understand them but not to deal or stop them .. but i think it is a big part and i need to bring up again maybe. Thanks

GenCat: So true, when my anxiety is high i guess i need comfort more and transference is more present .. like last month I thought the transference was fading and i felt stronger and that i didnt need T .. then i had a sorta crash week and here I am again! Thank you

Amelia: Thanks for your detailed reply I do the whole caring and loving to others how I would like to be treated too!

I totally acknowledged this when I left school and my teacher : "Forced love or care is never as good as the real thing, it only lasts for a brief moment, it harms more than it helps, it leaves us alone and makes people doubt - I was alone, more alone than before, more isolated, more hurt etc - and I couldn't take it. I wanted love to be real and sincere."

And that is what i keep telling myself i don't love her and she will never be my mum.. its just transference and i need to stick at getting better not going back to old ways and so far i havent gone back! But i need to sort how i can stop myself feeling like this and find other ways of dealing with it and i guess that is where T comes in! I have friends and distant family that do love me and care for me .. but yeah guess it will never be a mum like i think i must be looking for!