Thanks for this thread, Mastodon. I am sorry to hear he said that about your appearance.

In reading some of the responses here, it's making me sad. We haven't being seeing each other for very long yet, but over the past few months I've given T several compliments to which he responds "thank you". Now I'm wondering...He does give me positive feedback sometimes; he'll say "It's good that you do/did this ____". But not about my personality. I can see where that would feel good for someone with low self-worth like me.

But that's the paradox. For people who might have low self worth or a need for approval, this would backfire. It could stifle growth. This could be detrimental for people who need to be perfectionist. Then there are those who have a need to be righteous, have a need to be entertaining or the center of attention; people pleasing...I could go on and on.

One thing that I've always struggled with is insincerity from others. I have a hard time with people who I think act fake-like they are complimenting me just to get my attention or approval. Or for some manipulative reasons, say if someone wants something from me (this is also related to CSA). My mother was like this-fake around the neighbors or relatives, then just mean and cruel to her children. My antennas tend to pick up any bit of disingenuousness inside and outside of therapy, and I also have trust issues impacted by related behaviors.

This sounds like my T. I think the idea is to work to get to the point where you value yourself regardless of what others think, say, how they treat you, or how they react. That is what self-worth is all about-valuing yourself in the intrinsic sense. That is something really important I learned from my last T, and I carry this as a reminder wherever I go. You are not how people treat you or how they relate to you. Boundaries helped me know this.

If you think about it, many were abused and treated in a way where we were deemed worthless. What damaged me was (sa) being an object only valued when it was for someone else's gratification. Being loved for my body, for being attractive, for being fun, cute, beautiful...or how I could make someone else feel good. So when I grew up and realized this is not how it is, the question arose-why would anyone love me now?

I'm not sure what my point is, but I am pretty sure I have to feel good about myself just for being me. Babies and children learn about themselves from how others relate to them from a very small age. They get their self-worth from others. But if one is grown and had missed out on the internalization of worth by others, this is no longer true. If this is the case, then you are prone to becoming narcissistic-you see yourself as how others reflect your image back to you. That's false self-worth. Your T might be reflecting that image back to you, but what happens when T is gone? Are others going to reflect favorable things back at you that you can internalize and add to your worth? When happens when those people are not in your life anymore-do you lose your self-worth when they are no longer there to reflect back? I just don't know if healthy narcissism can be instilled within as an adult. Maybe it can?

I am feeling sad T doesn't give me compliments now, but I am not sure how I feel about this.