I don't know what's causing this, but it seems like at night time, every time I close my eyes I see this blade going across my skin, down my wrist, like how I tried it before I got help...except it's a big knife, and it cuts deep and... I see it over and over again... When I go to take my medication at night I see myself grabbing the whole bottle and just swallowing them all. It's these little flashes of some other reality, and I see these things... When I'm driving a car I see myself speeding up and wrapping it around a pole, and whenever I think about swimming I just find myself wondering what it's like to drown. Every night when I finally fall asleep I can't shake the feeling that I won't be waking up in the morning. Anything could happen, right? I see these things and I just get so scared. I don't think I want to die anymore, but I can't shake it. It's like it's following me around.

I had three friends, my best friends, die in 2013. It was a suicide, a car accident, and a murder. And I see it all, over and over again. It's not a hallucination, it stays in my head, but I see her hanging from my ceiling with blood all over, I think about the accident and I see the moment of impact over and over and over, even though I wasn't even there. I never saw any of it but I see it anyway. And as for the murder...that one doesn't haunt me so much somehow. But every now and then I can't shake the feeling that I could have stopped it somehow...lonnng long story, but it was sort of my fault...

I just want to stop thinking about all this. I don't want to forget everything that's happened, but I just want these thoughts to stop. I don't want to die.