I'm so sorry that happened.
Please know that you will only drive yourself crazy with the "what if" thoughts or the "if I had only" thoughts. I've had friends kill themselves, and I know from experience that those thoughts are by far the most dangerous thoughts to entertain.
It's not your fault, dear.
__________________
Yes. Jesus is the reason I am still alive today.
Diagnoses:
MDD, BPD, PTSD, OCD, AN-BP
(I don't define myself by my personal alphabet up there, but I put it there so that maybe somebody won't feel so alone
)