I have both depression and social anxiety disorder. Both have been somewhat under control for a few months now. I know I am in a better place than I was a year ago, but I can feel myself slipping back into the darkness. The pain is returning. So is the constant over-thinking and over-analyzing every stupid little thing that I do. I find myself awake all night with tears running down my face just thinking of what a complete and utter mess and failure I am. There is so much that I should be doing right now. The thought of relapse has crossed my mind. I don't want to. I don't want to go back to the girl I used to be. Yet it's not like she's any better than who I am now. I feel so alone. And when I really, truly think about it, I am alone. Sure, I have my family, but they're all caught up in their own issues, especially my brother's issues with not attending school regularly. I feel like such a selfish person and I'm not that type of person at all. I'm alone. I'm lonely. I don't have anybody to really talk to. It doesn't help that the thought of trying to make friends makes me practically have a panic attack. I mean, who would want to hang out with me? I wouldn't even want to hang out with me. And now I'm starting a new job and I know I'm going to mess the whole thing up. I'm so terrified. I continuously think of everything that could go wrong; everything that I have forgotten from my training; every one disliking me with a passion. I am so lost. I hate this feeling. I hate it a lot. But not as much as I hate myself.

I really needed to get that out. Thank you. I hope you have a lovely day.