I've always had a poor relationship with medication. I started meds when I was 14 during my first hospitalization but immediately went off of them when I got home. For most of my adolescence I would only take meds when I was hospitalized or in other residential care. I took them during my junior/senior year in high school because if I didn't I got serious withdrawal but managed to wean myself off halfway through. Then I had a terrible year when I was first dx'ed BP where I took meds bc I was so desperate but nothing worked so I would go off them in despair. Finally had ECT treatment and then felt so much better that a) I didn't feel I needed meds and b) didn't believe I even had bipolar anyway. I did not trust doctors at that point since I'd seen so many of them and they never treated me nicely. So I quit treatment completely and struck out on my own and did quite well for six years.

Since the severe symptoms returned a year ago I conceded to try medication again, trepidatiously. I started meds about a year ago and it has been a rocky road. I quit them in july because I was stuck in depression so I thought what does it matter, they're not helping. Promptly went manic/mixed. Found new meds in hospital, took them faithfully until December, then quit because I felt great. I feel like I stayed normal for six weeks until depression kicked in. Tapered up on meds again, but stopped before I reached the prescribed dose because I felt better. I took them for awhile the. Would miss a couple of doses, then start again, then miss again. Finally quit again March first and haven't taken them since.

I can't describe why I feel the need to do this. I mean one is I have a deep seated mistrust of doctors, all doctors, from childhood experiences. Then when I had to start seeing psychiatrists that just furthered my distrust because I never felt like any of them listened to me. So I definitely don't think doctors have anything but money and insurance payments in mind when prescribing meds. This distrust extends to physical problems as well. I haven't had a physical wellness check in ten years. The last time I went to the doctor was 2009 and only because of back pain so severe I could barely stand.

Besides that...I almost feel like I have to see if I'm still symptomatic. I mean I was able to handle it myself for six years. That's not to say I wasn't symptomatic but I definitely kept it relatively controlled. I don't know what the hell happened last year to trigger such severe episodes. Prior to last year I had never been euphorically hypomanic for any extended period of time, and I surely never got manic. So why all of a sudden? And the fact that I have stopped meds and not gotten hypomanic proves to me that I don't actually have bipolar and whatever happened to me last year was my own fault somehow.

I won't go back on meds any time soon. I should be able to hack it alone. I don't have a pdoc appt till end of May anyway.