No, Alison, I'm not in touch with any trans people now. I used to be. But they've all moved on at this point. Also part of the problem is that trans people, who are transitioning, don't see me as being a bona fide transsexual person. At best they see me as being someone who is too weak to stand up & do what needs to be done. At worst, they see me as possibly confused or a faker. I've been called this. I read, in another reply to a post in this forum, where the person wrote that one does not have to transition to be transsexual, & personally I would agree with this. But most transsexual persons I've known, who are transitioning, don't seem to see it that way.

The thing is, I never "wanted" any of this & I don't want it now. I may not have made this clear previously. I (speaking in terms of my outward male persona) just wanted to be a normal, regular, everyday guy. The problem is that there has always been this other component (the one I've called my psychotic fraternal twin sister... whom I've now named Gretchen) that has always done whatever it (she?) could do to try to pull me toward the other end of the binary. And when she couldn't succeed in pulling me there, she became content to cause me to do things to degrade myself.

Yes, by saying that I refuse to go beyond "A" I do deny myself the potential rewards that could be had by doing, say, B through Y. But, from my perspective, each step I take toward "Z" (full transition) causes that part of me that wants it, to want to just that much more. So, say I do A, B & C. Then I start thinking about doing "D". My tendency is to say: well, I've already gone as far as A, B & C. So why not go on to "D". It's just not that much further. And then the same dynamic occurs when I begin to think about going on to "E". "Well, I've done D already. So I might as well go on the E. It's not that much further & I do feel the need to." Not every trans person feels this way. I know many find some point along the way where they feel comfortable stopping. I don't believe that would ever happen with me. Plus, the other problem that arises is that, while Gretchen might find some comfort in this, that outward male part of my persona would be distressed I'm afraid. I don't know about this for sure... maybe there is no real outward male persona. Maybe it's just a mask I constructed over the years to hide my true self. I don't know. Even after all of these years, it is still all very confusing...