I have just had a fight with my mother on the phone. I told her my mood's changed into an agitated one on Saturday and it's been like that ever since. She asked "are you agitated, angry?" and I answered that I'm both, she then replied something that sounded like she didn't believe me, and I naturally got angry and yelled. She got angry as well and we had a little fight. After the fight, I thought of cutting a little wound in my arm just to have her really worried in case she or my psychologist noticed it. But I didn't.
It's like there's another me inside who wants to really scare my mother. And sometimes I agree with the other me; a good scare might make her worried and less unpatient, even when I'm yelling. A controlled suicide attempt would do the trick, the other me "says". But the real me doesn't want to be a jerk and do such things just to impress her. But she's asking for it, yet she doesn't deserve such treatment. She ought to learn to deal with my rare anger outbursts. If she doesn't feel like resisting, she should learn how to remain calm and say nothing about this subject until she's ready.
Telling this to my therapist would solve something? I wish I told my psychiatrist this, but our next appointment will take place outdoors and my mother will be there too; I can't talk to the psychiatrist properly if someone else's there, neither can I send my mother away for a while, because we won't be meeting in the hospital.
Damn it, like it wasn't enough my conscience (or 'super-ego', according to mr. Freud) has decided to talk to me daily, now I'm having another me in my head.