Hello,

I've recently been able to talk to a counselor for the first time, and he suggested to me that I have Pure OCD. I had originally sought help with what I thought to be Reactive Attachment Disorder. I had an abusive mother from my infancy to the time I was fifteen (I moved away; I am now seventeen). I have always been angered by people trying to get close to me, and more specifically when I try to open up to them; speaking about and in certain cases even thinking about and acknowledging my feelings makes me extremely irritable. I can never admit to being hurt or rejected, and I have huge control issues because of this.

However, other times, I feel as if I have no feelings at all; I noticed for a few years now that my feelings would suddenly go away when I became aware, or "checked" on them. Without realizing this as OCD, I still knew it was going on and have tried to stop it but I can't.

My counselor has told me that I definitely have Pure O, and I was wondering, if I do have RAD, if the OCD is serving to exacerbate it. Even if isn't RAD, the two problems work to feed each other. I have these problems working through my emotions without getting angry; I then become so obsessed with feeling love and admitting that I feel hurt/rejection, that I begin to check my feelings every single time I'm in a situation where they would be aroused, and eventually begin doubting that I have any, which leads to this awful dissociated state where I feel numb and apathetic. Except, it's like an artificial apathy, because I get this tenseness in my chest and feel that I am suppressing myself from feeling anything at all. I get so caught up with this dissociation (which even goes as far as to bring depersonalization/derealization symptoms like spacing out, foggy thinking and loose sense of identity) that I can't even focus on the first issue.

I just don't know what to do at this point, I know I'm in my own head too much, but I just can't stop thinking about it and burying all of my feelings under constant doubting and dissociation. How can one out-think their own brain?