Hi again polly
That seems a very honest and genuine response. I'm thankful you were willing to bare your soul to help me understand.
No, I was not a child of physical abuse (neglect and emotional abuse). I have a hard time understanding violence in general. I did play sports, a few schoolyard fights, but I was not the aggressor. I don't like violent movies. I don't like aggressive "cocky" people (including women). I avoid them whenever possible. But that doesn't mean they don't bother me. So I suppose all this explains my denseness on this topic. Penna made a comment above I found interesting. Something to do with an aggressive male "being able to take care of business". I assume that means a woman wants a man who can defend her. Understandable. Violence happens around us everday, almost anywhere we go. But what happens when the defender becomes the abuser? I've heard men say that thier women like it. That's hard for me to imagine. But there they are with a girl on every arm. It just doesnt make sense to me. I guess I'll never understand it. I don't get what's sexy about fighting. Seeing another beaten is no thrill for me. But I will say, and I don't mean to offend, but the idea that your abuser felt pain and embarrasment when you left gives me a little thrill. In my mind, serves him right. Someone should give him a dose of what he's given you all these years. Someone larger, stronger, dominating, mad, unpredictable. Let him feel the terror. I suppose that would only reinforce his beliefs though. Some theory that only the strong survive I guess. It's actually the smart that survive. Half of the "strong" were killed by the other half.
I hope you have success in sorting out your feelings. You sound like a sweet kind person. I'm sorry life has been so cruel to you.
How do you not love your mother? I can't answer that. My mom and I had disagreements, but nothing on the level you experienced. We get along great now. My step-mother was a different story, and I don't love her. I don't even like her. But, she's not blood. I think it says a lot that you still love your mom after all that. At least you don't hate her. I like what you said about overempathizing. I've never heard that before, but I know what you mean. But I cant empathize with my step-mom. I just (hate) her. She took advantage of being superior to a little boy who couldn't and didn't defend himself. It was her choice. She didn't have to. She used me to release her steam and feel superior to someone, anyone. I can't even pity her weakness. To me, she's just evil. I hope she goes to hell.
Sorry, guess I got off on a tangent there.
Well, anyway, glad you came and shared. Stay in touch, ok?

"This too shall pass...."