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I want to start by saying that things are better. But…
There are times when I get these serious panic-like feelings as if there is more going on and I am getting the cruddy end of the stick. I am scared that he is not being fully honest with me… they are paranoid feelings like he is still hiding something. Then I talk myself out of those feelings before I act on them – telling myself that I just have to trust him. So… there are 2 things that I need assistance with. 1 – Trust issues… as I am running out of patience with myself during these panic attacks and 2 – advice regarding his fears that are completely handicapping him from seeking happiness and success.
He tells me he only sees the little sister (and the big sister – but I am too worried about her) at work and they don’t really talk about anything. I doubt that… but, I have to trust what he tells me. I no longer check his phone. We started talking about friendships the other night. He tells me that he feels he has no real friends. It is totally true that he doesn’t have ANY friends that he can count on to be there for him when he needs someone. Every friend he had before we got married has fallen away – except one. The one friend that has hung around is from when he was very young. This guy has never really been able to get his act together… he took too many drugs and missed some opportunities and even still lives with his mom, etc. He is a sweet guy – but not someone to call in an emergency. After we started talking about how lonely he is for a real friend, I realized he is still upset that he cannot have a friendship with the little sister. I asked him if he wishes he were still friends with the little sister. He told me yes but it wouldn’t be worth all of the effort it would take (What does that mean? Maybe that he would have to come clean to her and tell her all of the things he has done to me… how he isn’t perfect and then convince her to be friends with me and then have to reassure me all of the time that they are not in love with each other, etc.??). I asked him why he still wanted that friendship… after all, if she refused to be friends with me… then she was ultimately trying to drive a wedge between us and destroy our marriage. He didn’t really respond which makes me wonder if he ever even told her that I wanted to be friends with her… meaning she never really refused to be my friend. Perhaps he just told her that I am jealous and don’t want them to be friends… but that isn’t what happened. Anyways, the conversation progressed to us talking about splitting up. It was about him not knowing what he wants and he thinks that splitting up and being free from our marriage would help him figure out his life and what he wants to do. He eluded to feeling that we would eventually end up back together if I didn’t remarry. I told him that I would give him 3 weeks to a month after us splitting that he would be having sex with her. I said that she wants more than just friendship with him. IMO – a woman doesn’t befriend a married man like that and then she doesn’t tell him all of her deepest darkest secrets without wanting more than friendship from him. She wants to be his woman – especially if she doesn’t want to be my friend after he’s supposedly told her that I want that, etc. Am I right – or do I completely have that wrong?? It seems simple to me. He said that we just see the situation differently and that he doesn’t think she wanted more than friendship with him (which is different from what he previously stated months ago… that he was sure she did want more than friendship but he didn’t). Anyways, he said that if we were to split up… he would NEVER (firmly stated NEVER) remarry and that he knows I would. He then promised a very firm promise to never remarry. I did not ask for that promise and I did not promise the same. He also said that if I remarried – that would be IT for us… we would never end up together again. I told him that for me… I married him certain that I would be willing to do whatever it took to succeed – so if we divorced and I remarried (whoever), I would be remarrying with the same intent on success. I asked him if we split, would he end up befriending the little sister again. He said yes. I then asked him to promise me he wouldn’t end up sleeping with the little sister. He stuttered and shrugged his shoulders and said, “I… guess…. I… promise that.” I GUES??? WELL THAT’S A VERY DIFFERENT SORT OF PROMISE CONFIRMING THAT HE DOES HAVE THOSE FEELINGS FOR HER AND IF HE WERENT MARRIED HE WOULD BE WITH THAT GIRL. I felt sick to my stomach. We went to bed that night with me asking him what he wants… stay married or not. He said that he didn’t know. Then in the morning he thanked me for talking with him.
So now, my trust issues. I want to sit this girl down and talk with her. I don’t trust him and what he says about any of this anymore… except that he isn’t actively pursuing the same “type” of friendship with her at this moment. Then again – do I even care to talk to her… maybe I can just pretend she doesn’t exist? Who am I kidding? Maybe over time he will work somewhere else and she will disappear from our lives? Maybe I can continue to let this sleeping dog lie because overall he is showing me love and working at being a good family man… every day and in the moment… he really seems to want to be there. So, that brings me to the next thing… he says he hates his life. He says he is worthless. He tells me not to disagree because he wants to be more for me because he knows he isn’t good enough for me.
I love this man. He is smart and good at everything he touches. He could do anything he wanted. SERIOUSLY . Plus, he has a hard working, dedicated and dependable wife bringing in most of the income who is also willing to keep doing it until he finds what he really wants to do. His path – whatever it is… I want him to find it. SO, over the years he has had several pursuits and great accomplishments. He has also had some epic fails. But, mostly he has had these DREAMS or PLANS on what he wants to do next… I am all for it and say, yes – let’s do it. Then nothing happens. There are some days when he seems ready to take on the world for something he wants. He talks and talks about his plans and ideas… then shortly after that there are weeks at a time when he slumps around feeling like he is worthless. He has reasons why he cannot move forward with these plans… things that keep him from “making it.” It all ends up being that the situation is hopeless because of this or that… not having $ or losing his opportunity or whatever. He gets so depressed and hopeless that I wonder if this pattern will ever end. To me… there is plenty of reason for him to move forward… there shouldn’t be anything stopping him – he has the world at his fingertips if he would JUST get over the fear of failure. He seems bipolar to several of my bipolar friends. How can I help him get over this fear complex? If he gets excited about something to pursue and I help in any way (like read up on the topic and tell him what I have learned and why I think it’s a great idea)… I am somehow taking his masculinity and pride away. I am not respecting him and his boundaries. Then we fight or get this funky energy between us. So – I don’t think there is any way that I can help him. What do I do!?? Do I just settle with – this person is depressed and until he gets his own help, nothing is going to change and I should just carry on and try to move forward with my career to support our family and put the kids through college and hopefully own a home someday?
Help.
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