Okay, so you do need a therapist.

Those little naggy suicide thoughts, the "I'll show her" type of thoughts, those are residuals. They are the frayed little edges that are hard to get rid of. They are trigger thoughts. I get them, too. It's annoying. You have to be really careful with those thoughts and be aware of them. Come up with "fight back" thoughts to keep them away and small. Remember, suicidal actions on purpose to hurt someone is considered emotional abuse, that in itself helps me to remember that. Having "reasons to live" or "reasons not to do it," either in list form or however is important. If you have suicidal ideation it's a fight you have to fight for the rest of your life, sorry to say. I feel I've overcome it for the most part, but I slip up, too. I still fight every day. That may seem strange to people who don't understand, but it's true.

Remember suicidal thoughts are a symptom. When things are better the thoughts will be fewer, and when they flare things are bad. It's like a fever. A fever isn't an illness but it can still kill you.

Next, it sounds like you could use some CBT. "She ought to learn to deal with my rare anger outbursts." Actually, that's not true. Learning anger management is your responsability, not hers. I have anger and rage issues, too. If I blow up at my husband, it's still my fault for blowing up. I need to learn to express my anger in a more productive and civilized manner. This is also really hard to do on your own, so a therapist can help you. Being self-aware and mindful is key.

These are really good questions and yes, you need a therapist. Don't do this alone if you don't have to.

This is not an easy road. I know it's not, because I'm on it, too. You can do it.

And, you know, I understand. Mom doesn't get it. Most people don't. But doing things to scare them always backfires or makes it worse.