Been umming and arring over writing this the last couple of days… partly berating myself and partly because I don’t know if I see the point.

I’m a bugger for tangents so, I apologise if this goes down different paths.

For some odd reason, one of the things that keeps me going (beyond responsibilities and guilt if I don’t) is movies… I think of all the great films that I’d love to watch, that I absorb myself into entirely… much like my day dreams and imaginations (got a complex fantasy (of magic and mythology rather than a dirty mind ) that I absorb myself into, only way I can get to sleep or detach myself from the anxiety of daily crap). In the recent month that has been Catching Fire… which I just watched tonight. And like that, that thing to hold onto is gone for I don’t know when another catches my fancy.

In a recent thread, I mentioned a rather ‘interesting’ piece of homework my T gave me… not sure if it was the intent but it blew up in my face (had to ask people for feedback on characteristics they saw in me). I suppose the hurt and shock has died down… but I’m starting to feel numb again, and as if that respite I had been in is starting to unravel.

It’s damaged some of the trust I have in my T… and sadly due to being prone to mulling and as I only see her every second week… that could deepen by the time next Monday comes.

Other things have been bothering me too… that she mentions I dissociate… but has left me hanging for what could be month+ until we do some scale test… which in itself seems futile (I despise standardised tests… probably me having my own head up my arse from my undergrad course)… but whatever comes from it will be ‘her’ observations… which means tiddly squat in terms of what a pdoc might think… or even another T down the line.

Another issue being that she brought up nurture, and how that T’s are like surrogate parents (she probably saw the flash in my eyes at this and added ‘though in adult conversation') helping to rework aspects that the client did not develop in their own upbringing.

I don’t know why my back goes up at this… well I do… I essentially brought myself up and I had little faith or time for others input due to inconsistencies and essentially abuse… but meh, point being… I just wish she hadn’t brought that bit up.

On top of all that… I’m alone in the office again for a week (usual staffing is 3) due to holidays and illness… and the last time this happened, I had an emotional breakdown… so I’m a little tense.

No real idea of what’s wrong with me anymore, starting to feel isolated again… and yeah, feels like the quiet before the storm… and it’s really worrying me.