Ok...so I am working with my T weekly.

back on March 2, I was sexually assaulted by a man I had gone out with just a couple of times. i went to his house - which I ended up feeling like it was my fault for allowing it to happen/continue. I went there thinking I would probably have sex with him, but it was horrible and painful, and when I told him it hurt and to be gentler, he wouldn't really listen. When I told him to stop, he would stop briefly and then begin again. It lasted for several hours. It was traumatizing. I was having some flashbacks to it, and I could barely move the next day. I even had some bleeding. I got an emergency appt with my T, and we talked about it. I cut off all contact with the guy. And I am glad. I realize now that I am not at fault for what HE did to me. It's not my fault that HE didn't listen. That he kept going.

Anyway...so I went to a dating website -- because lets face it, I'm lonely, and I want to have a boyfriend. I have been separated from my husband for 20 months now, and he has a woman in his life now...it's like why not me too? Yes, we are still technically married, but he raped me for about a year, and I am not ever going back to him.

So...from this dating site, I met a guy. We've talked. And we have gotten together a couple of times. Last time I saw my T, I told her that I had been talking to a guy. We talked about what I would do differently this time - I said make sure we are always meeting in a public place, not letting him know where I live, not going to his house. Waiting for sex...well...things just kinda happened. He was so gentle and sweet and tender. And we have had sex a couple of times. I did not meet him in a public place. He came over to my house today on his lunch break from work (he works really close by).

I really like this guy...but I also realize I probably should not have had sex with him so soon...but I wanted to. It was really good. And I feel good. I just worry about telling her everything. It wasn't a one night stand sort of thing...we are going to continue seeing each other. I want to - and I want to continue having sex with him.

I suppose it's best for me to just be honest with her on Friday -- that I am seeing him and having sex with him, and that's not going to change. I just am afraid to tell her. She's never judged me...and I know I can trust her...so why is it so hard for me to want to tell her?