Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkbutterfly
nottrustin ~ sure...judging myself because I have expectations of perfection...and everyone around me tells me the "right" thing is to not have sex. Everyone in my life is christian - my recovery group, my counselor, my school, my friends, and obviously my church. So it definitely leads to self judgment.
I hate feeling this way -- I honestly really enjoy being with him, and I feel like it should be ok for me to enjoy it.
I've spent my life being the "good Christian" - the "good girl" and the "good wife" - doing things the "right" way. And I would like to just enjoy myself for once. SO yes, I probably am judging myself...but I also fear judgment from everyone else.
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It sounds like you're working overtime not to question your professed values and beliefs. But you know what? It's healthy to question. It's healthy to clarify your own values and feel comfortable with having them differ from those of your community.
Maybe it's time to broaden your community. Maybe it's time to redefine your notion of what it means to be a Christian.
I am not American and have gotten all my post-secondary education in secular institutions so your description of the code of conduct in your graduate program absolutely shocks me. You're 35 or thereabouts and your school is telling you who can and cannot have in your own house? I mean no disrespect and perhaps I shouldn't say this but it sounds like you've just gone from an abusive, controlling relationship with your ex to an abusive controlling grad program that tells you you're bad for being a sexual person and undermines your autonomy to an absolutely appalling degree.
Are you surrounded by judgment and disapproval? It's one thing to discuss what is a healthy pace for a new relationship, it's another to be 35 and have to face moral disapproval from "everyone in your life" for enjoying sex with a consenting adult.