I have this constant battle in my mind and it's really bothering me. I'm pretty sure I know what to do but am having a hard time making a decision...

My boyfriend and I have been together for 9mo, we've talked about our future together, but I keep getting this feeling that I'm supposed to be alone right now to get myself where I want to be (mentally and emotionally). I am dx BP2 and just got on meds, I go to reiki healings once/wk, and meditate when I can. I'm not too happy with me & know that I won't be able to be happy with him if I'm not happy with me 1st. I've explained that to him.

The thing is, I really hope I can snap out of it and just be happy. He's such a sweetheart. He adores me and always has me in mind. He's a hopeless romantic. But sometimes it's just too much for me. Idk why, but I find myself not wanting to be around him more times than not. I get very aggitated, even when he's just trying to be sweet. He juat really annoys me sometimes. I'm hoping it's just this damn disorder. I just got on Lamictal and am hoping that it will help with the irritability and depression. I also hope that the unhappiness lies mostly within myself and I can overcome it...

This is such a sucky feeling. I feel like I dont love him like he deserves to be loved. I'm not all mushy gushy like he is. It almost makes me feel like the man in the relationship. I hate seeing that he is sad b/c of me. It makes me feel like i dont deserve him or his love for me. We've had conversations about it before. He sees the good in me. He sees how happy and silly I can be, although its few and far between.

I just don't feel how he feels for me & it's killing me b/c I want to... I want to be madly, deeply in love with him. I'm not too sure if past relationships and situations have made me kind of cold or numb or what. My dad thinks that may be some of it. I'm sure my negativity doesn't help, although I'm working on it. I guess I don't have the faith that he does. Im a bit of a worry wart.

I feel like I shouldn't be having these feelings only 9mo in. Its not fair to him. I feel sad and guilty. B/c i think he deserves better. Someone that can give him the love and affection he needs...

I cant seem to break it off though b/c I just keep hoping that my feelings change. I don't want to lose out on a great, loving, & caring guy....

:-(

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