Everyone in my house is asleep, and here I am wide awake. As I'm sure most have caught on to by now, I don't exactly have the most caring, supportive husband. Any time he is home (as he is now) I can't sleep because I'm so on edge. Every time he moves, I flinch. The reflex is much worse if he touches me, even just a slight nudge. I hate this. It's not like this when he's away on business trips. I have no problem (most times) sleeping peacefully then.
Of course, I can't blame him for my issues. At least, not solely. He is most definately a contributing factor...in a long list of factors. I sure have a way of picking 'men' though!
I wish I could be 'normal'. Just 'get over' all the childhood traumas that I brought into my adult life. When I was young I'd hear of kids being kidnapped and I envied them-- wishing it was me. At that time, I figured a kidnapper couldn't possibly do anything that wasn't already done to me...and I would have welcomed death. Pretty messed up, right?
The most messed up thing about my husband... He is so scarily similar to my childhood abuser. (There was more than one...but one particular, consistent, most impacting). I'm talking could almost pass for a physical double of...and beliefs, mannerisms.... What the hell would possess me to end up with this man??
I had a therapist once tell me that I was subconsciously attempting to change the past, but once I realized the striking similarities I was just disgusted with myself. If I would subconsciously seek out a replica of my childhood abuser...did it mean I subconsciously ENJOYED the abuse??? What kind of person does what I find myself to have done?? It makes me feel physically sick at myself. I'm so disgusted by my own choices.
I am feeling a ton of self hatred and disgust right now. I just needed to get some of it out. It doesn't change anything or make me feel better, but I keep looking at potentially lethal objects around me and wondering if I have the strength to end it all quickly and as painlessly as possible...I don't (obviously) because I'm still here...