I took a brave step and contacted my old T (which I had therapy with for 2 and a half years).

I probably haven't seen her in like three years.

It didn't feel right to ask to come back to therapy without explaining to my old T why I wanted to come back to therapy through email. I felt like she needed to know why I wanted to return. I summed up the "why" in literally 2 sentences. I emailed her through her private practice website.

It was something like this...

Dear T,

I am a previous client who is considering the possibility of coming back to therapy. I graduated from my university with a B.S. and I am in a new season of life. Unfortunately, before graduating, I was sexually assaulted. I am safe and fine and everything is okay now. However, I am in the process of searching for healing and recovery. How and when could I get started with therapy?

Jazzy

(I actually don't remember the last line... it was something like how/when can I get started in therapy if this is an option... something like that. Also, I mentioned the B.S. because the last time we were working together.. I had barely made it out of high school. I wanted that to be an indication that my life is different now...I am different now...all of that felt important to me to say... should I have said it? I kept it so SHORT too...imagine contacting your old therapist who you used to see for 2 and a half years for the first time after three years had passed.... wouldn't you want to say more than just a few sentences? Believe me, it was hard to keep it short as well! I just said what I felt NEEDED to be said. Now I am wondering ...did I not make it clear that I was considering a appointment? I'm sorry... even if I didn't make it a 100% clear..a message like that is a clear enough indication that a person needs help... Couldn't she at least respond with... "Would you like to make an appointment?" Something as small as a sentence like that, I think, would be respectable. I mean, geez.)

Anyways,

what did I do wrong? because she never responded. It took a lot of courage to say those things too.I about had a panic attack writing it down. Even if, I said "possibility" the least she could do is respond right? Wouldn't any competent therapist realize that I am considering them as a possibility for recovery from the sexual abuse and since I was a previously client, I am just saying how/when I can get started.

I also needed closure over my prior therapy but, didn't include that in the email I sent. I needed closure since we ended a 2 and a half year sessions with a phone consultation... just never felt peaceful closure over that.

Anyways, either
1. She felt unsafe to work with me in a "legal" sort of way because I mentioned "sexual assault"
(I would find that weird because we worked on my past sexual abuse history when I saw her for 2/half years...I even talked about stuff as it actually occured)
2. She doesn't want to work with me. I am correct and the therapeutic relationship definitely ended bad and without closure so she never wants me to be her client ever again.
3.Even though it's been a week and a half, the email went to spam. She never saw it. (I find that hard to believe because it was on her main website where any client who wants to go to her office emails her. Also, I got a confirmation email in my inbox when I sent the message through her website)
4. S*** happens, everything happens for a reason. Maybe it was never meant to be that I return.

Now off to deal with some terrible abuse memories...alone because I don't even know and they never go away. I am one strong girl... who is trying to accomplish much despite the pain.

Never give up.
Jazzy